First exam in, uff, a long time that I didn't pass. Man that's disappointing. I wonder just what went wrong, I mean 50%? I should've gotten 1/6 of all points in the first task alone. Shitwaffles. I really don't know....

Hrm, next time then. But man, this sucks....

But.... It can't be helped now. I'll get my shit now, gonna leave and visit Darling over the weekend. I'll just try to ignore the disappointment in myself.

But, really? The exams I calculated at home went perfectly fine. Man.

Still avoiding most people in general. It's so nice to just be alone and enjoy myself.... The only person I talk to is Dancer Darling atm, simply because I really don't feel like seeing anyone else. I'm tired and need that time alone. Maybe tomorrow I'll manage to actually say hello to someone.

I picked up Dark Souls again after half a year (Batman, Skyrim, and other games happened) (finally ♥ ) - my daily dose of masochism by now (a substitute for physics). I recently beat Ornstein and Smough and bought Ornstein's shiny armor; Needles to say, I feel fabulous. I also found out about and joined the Dark Sun Covenant (Blades of the Darkmoon) and now throughoutly enjoy punishing (or at least try - they are usually not alone and pretty good players) the undead that dared raising their hands against him in the name of my lord the Dark Sun Gwyndolin.

I love this game more and more with every minute.

No matter the 18 times I died fighting the Ceaseless Discharge. The 60.000 souls I lost that day (even with lvl 80 that's still worth almost 3 level-ups). The approximatley 35 times I died trying to beat Ornstein and Smough. And countless more times I got beaten, stabbed, set on fire, or simply fell off a cliff in-between. The Great Wolf Sif was quite a breeze, though, didn't even die once - which is unusual for Dark Souls. Only ever managed that with the Gaping Dragon, I believe.... Maybe Chaos Witch Queelag, too.

That aside I spend my time working, working-out, drawing, and writing. I participated as a guest-artist at Ask Ganondorf on Tumblr this week and drew Ganondorf as a Kikwi - it was a shitload of fun and the owner is simply awesome (as is this whole ask blog, so go check it out)!

On the subject of working: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm damned glad for that exam in theoretical physics. Because of that I didn't want to work on Saturday last week. And guess what? That exact day in my very usual shift, 10 minutes before we close: Armed robbery.

And I wasn't there. So really, thank you theoretical physics.

Done, done, done, done, done. The exam was a bit more difficult than the ones I practiced one, but it wasn't unfair. I should pass, despite some things that just went -poof- in the exam. Really? I calculated something JUST like that already. And I forgot. Man.

Made one incredibly stupid mistake, though. Task one was to calculate all a,b of |R that make the force-field conservative (I swear we had the EXACT SAME task in last semester's exam, like, the same force-field and task [it was (a*x*exp(-x²-y²), b*y*exp(-x²-y²), 0)]). In the following task we were asked to calculate the work on a particle in that field for all kinds of a and b.... I read it and I still thought 'conservative', so that automatically a=b.... FUUUUUUU--

Bad student!

I mean, the result should really be the same in this case, but fuck. The reason for it is not. Damned.

Oh well. Got it over with.
Now: Weekend. Shit yes.

And maybe tomorrow or Sunday I'll be finally be able to talk to people again without going vicious bitch on their asses. Darkness knows I'm a mean bitch these days - which is exactly why I don't chat with anyone.

I might say something, ehm, not so nice....

Would it be cheating if I wrote don't forget the fucking squares again, bitch on my hand for Friday's exam? ¦D

Passed cytology, one thing less to worry about~
Wanted the 2,7, but hey, 3,0 is alright, too. After how that exam turner out, I'm just glad that this is out of the way.

As cheesy as it sounds, this really feels like coming home....
The formulas, the axioms, the questions - I know I'm gonna curse them in a week when the exam draws near, but for now I'll just enjoy this feeling.

Back on the subject of yesterday, though:
I suspect this whole situation just hit me where it hurts most: My pride in what I am and what I'm doing - in what some of my superiors and friends are doing.

To be asked to just mindlessly memorize scientific vocabulary off a presentation isn't what studying biology, chemistry, physics, maths - any subject related to science - should be about.

It's about trying to understand - to never stop wondering, searching for answers, or searching for questions.

What use are all these fancy words without any understanding for them?

I guess it just hurts to see people being taught something else. And even if that may not be the true intention behind it, and just a result of whatever combination of unfortunate circumstances - it feels like exactly that to me.

I don't know how to explain myself any better. It's a special kind of disappointment.

I don't really regret studying for this subject. I learned something new, and this can never be truly considered wrong - and I am interested in how life works in greater detail - but I regret the loss of time, this completely unnecessary waste of possibilities.


Or perhaps I'm just more naive than I admit to be.

Survived exam. What can I say? This reminded me a lot more of a school exam than something you would find at university. Maybe that's a biology thing, though. The questions themselves were okay, it wasn't overly complicated - but there are two things rather unfitting.

For one, the pictures. Surely, biology goes with knowing what a golgi looks like or an endoplasmatic reticulum. No big deal here, but those pictures were hard to work with. Not because it was hard to see what was on then - but much rather because he threw some random numbers onto that sheet of paper and you're like lol, whut, now what does that random number mean?

I actually had to ask him exactly that, because I just couldn't figure it out by myself. and apparently that wasn't the first time. But okay, that's something that can happen - I'm used to strange plots and the lot from physics already, because darkness knows, the best most physicists can do with a pencil is scribble down barely readable numbers variables and do that magic trick.



That one. Although at least, out professors know how to use MS Paint (and some rare cases even know what photoshop is) But hey, he answered the question - so it wasn't more than a nuisance.

There was, however, one thing that actually pissed me off severely - the choice of subjects for this exam. I understand that some aspects of cytology are more important than others for the organisms themselves, but this choice of subjects I really thought was ridiculous.

About one fourth of this exam consisted of signaltransduction - which is important, no doubt. He went into detail there and I didn't think it that important. Of course, for the cell it's of high importance, no doubt, but for the cytology (light) course? Is it really that important to spend one fourth of an exam on this?

If there's enough space, surely, but other things he didn't even mention. Proteinbiosynthesis? Maybe one or two minor questions about where it takes place and what compartiments are in charge.
RNA? One question about differences to DNA, one about mRNA/tRNA/rRNA.
Mitosis? Nothing.
Cytoskeleton? Only one (the microtubule), and only 2 questions.
Differences between procaryotes and eucaryotes? One question, multiple choice.

Nothing about how exactly proteins are synthesized. Nothing about protein-targeting. Nothing about the vacuole or lysosomes. Nothing about chromosomes. Nothing about DNA transcription or translation. Nothing about plastides. No photosynthesis, no respiration, no transcytosis.

Why ask so much about signaltransduction but nothing about these subjects?

I'm not angry because my grade will probably suffer because of that (hey, I tried), but about how this kind of questioning gives me less credit than I deserve and, even more importantly, that despite my interest in these subjects, this was basically a waste of valuable time for me. I remember all 20 aminoacids used for proteinsynthesis, I can count them down and tell you which are hydrophobic, hydrophile, sour or alkaline - what I don't remember is which are essential for the human, because with a sequence given, I usually need to determine what it could possibly be (like the transmembrane-domain of a protein), not which a human can only get through ingestion.

But I guess that's just my bad for trying to understand the principles instead of memorizing the presentations.

So yes, I'm disappointed - a different kind of disappointment than expected, though.

Can we just get back to physics already, please? At least there I know what I don't know....

LOOK! SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!
Metabolism, only respiration and photosynthesis === EVOLVED TO ===> metabolism, yes all please?
[/cheesy pokemon reference]

asdfghjklkjhgfdsasdfghjk
I'm sick of this. Really sick of it. He only mentioned respiration and photosynthesis in his index, BUT WHAT IS THIS SHIT THEN?

Ye gawds I need more chocolate to compensate for this feeling of upcoming failure.

Well, at least someone's having fun.... °|

Quite honestly, starting to feel a little uneasy because I really don't know what is expected of me (I only have these exercises and a couple of horribly made powerpoint presentations with barely any information) in this exam and it's just so much to remember.... Biologists must have some impressive memory.... and it's only worth 4 CP (!) or something, what the shit gaiz? I read over 370 pages of that book I own for this to get the principles behind it (and some more because there was optics involved and I don't like half-baked shit like 'you add a blend for phasecontrast microscopy' - o rly? How exactly does that help? Not explained, so another 10 minutes with my favorite book on optics. And it's not even difficult to understand not to mention more interesting than all that chemistry stuff.... Okay, this is my fault for being intrested, jeez~) because I need additional input to memorize things, and I still needed to read additional stuff for DNA replication and proteinbiosynthesis °| Granted, DIN A5, but not exactly a very nice kind of text.... I had to try five times before I was able to even pronounce Glykosylphosphatidylinositol-Verankerung without a mistake or stopping mid-way the frist time once you get used to words like Desoxycytidintriphosphat, though, it's getting easier.... And this, eh, intellectual rape, is worth so little points? Less than my course in Japanese I/II (6 CP) that I spent barely any time with and got the best possible result in?

Just what kind of shit did the people deciding about this smoke? It makes no sense. At all.

I wish I had better control of these unnecessary feelings. What counts is that I study at all and try - it don't matter how slow you are as long as you keep going; the results I can only influence so much. So why even bother with this feeling of anxiousness and shit what if he wants more detail on this and I forget about it?

I really should be used to this by now. Well, probably the biology thing unsettling me. Bah. Humans make no sense. 4 Days left, exam on Tuesday. Let's make the best of the time I have before I switch to theoretical physics and get falcon punched in the face by horrible calculations again. I actually miss that a little.

And did I mention that all the projects I have that aside are not helping? I'm going mad with all the stuff I need to take care of.... At least I have this Saturday off.

And I swear I'm going to PUNCH someone in the FUCKING OVARIES if anyone decides to play I'm-sick-and-can't-work again. Darkness knows I don't have the time for those games - but I also can't just leave my boss hanging....

Why does the day have only 24 hours anyway?

You know you're a horrible nerd when you understand every single joke and actually laugh.....



Yes, I'm still alive, I'm just very busy with studies and all kinds of creative projects right now.... Although I doubt posting something like this really emphasizes the studies part *coughs* Fact is, I'm currently answering some of my cytology questions (theory is almost completely done after reading over 370 pages in my book of choice (which is already cut as short as possible....) and some additional research) and remembered stumbling across this earlier this morning.

My personal favorites are definitely the differential equation and valence electron, lawl. Also, I can't help but to think of answers to some of them....

"If I was an endoplasmatic reticulum, how would you want me: Smooth or rough?"
"With the phosphatidylserine in your membrane externalised~ "

Or in other words: Soon to be eaten and fermented by a macrophage ♥

"I wish I was Adenin, then I could get paired with U" is also screaming for some lame answer about 'taking my breath away', because desoxyribonucleic acid uses thymine in it's coding, contrary to ribonucleic acid, which uses uracil instead (U)....

But enough with the cheesy jokes. Just wanted to say hello.

Also: Saw Batman Live last week. SQUEE. SCARECROW ACTUALLY APPEARED ♥ And I bought the first colorful shirt in what must have been almost a decade now. It's strange to see me in red to put it lightly....